him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
mariah carrie
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?