Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Can Happiness buy money?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow