My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.