Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I only eat vegetarians.
Eat…
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?