[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.