Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
A completely valid reaction tbh
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.