Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.