DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Self-cleaning conscience
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes