It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.