If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL