❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!