My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”