They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My first son he is wonderful
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
In banana years, I am bread.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.