*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
You Might Also Like
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
this is the best interaction on twitter
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out