WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*