Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.