According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”