The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐