“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Favourite diary entry ever