Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Great Canadian literature.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.