What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.