I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Good morning, Twitter x
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.