Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
That was easy.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Sooo many times…..
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards