“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.