For those that worship cheese..
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Everything reminds me of my ex
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way