“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
🍛
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing