Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
getting corrected