I love snow
– People who never shovel
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boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.