Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind