[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops