for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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Cause of death: Zumba
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
just witnessed a drug deal
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
<- sleeps well with others
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
decorating my apartment