Have kids, they said
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth