It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
This will never not be funny 😭
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
man: wait
time: no
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery