Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
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Breaking news:
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall