Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
🤣🤣
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.