Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Simple
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*