Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.