When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
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[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Happy Thanksgiving
cat faces on other animals, a thread
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.