My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?