I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper