You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
peeping toms
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?