School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles