Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I think about this a lot
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth