Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.