me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
nice challenge
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.