Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume