Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
God has left this place
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.