*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*