Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Bed should get ready for ME
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.