[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO